Tinder and Hating Hot Tubs

To celebrate Valentine's Day, Joanna and Laura discuss dating apps and Legionnaires' disease. 

Follow the show on Instagram @mywholepersonalitypod
Produced and edited by Joanna Clark
Theme music by Rebecca Jaffe
Podcast art by Michelle Hong (michelleyhong.com)

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

And then he goes, you know, I'm just been thinking about when I want to kiss ya. And then I kissed him on a street corner at like 1 a.m. in Wrigley.

unknown 0:08

I can't imagine it was good.

SPEAKER_02 0:10

I and then he immediately we come out of it. I was like, okay, yeah, Laura, go for it. He goes, I just want you to know I did heroin once.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

I like this one thing, so I made it my whole thing. Now no one wants to talk to me at parties. Please listen to my spiel, because I made it my whole deal. I made it my whole personality. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Hey everyone, welcome to a very special Valentine's Day episode of My Whole Personality. I wanted to have my friend Laura come on, and she mentioned that she wanted to talk about Tinder. And so I said, that's a perfect Valentine's Day episode. Why don't I pick something as romantic and as you know hot and sexy as Tinder? So I picked hating hot tubs. So you're gonna hear a lot about Legionnaires disease on this episode. I'll be honest, I don't really know what it is, but it scares me. So you have that to look forward to. But I hope you all have exciting Valentine's Day plans coming up. I don't really care about Valentine's Day. I do like I like the bright, happy, joyful vibe of it. I'll definitely go get a pastry that's got some kind of, you know, Valentine's Day flair. But it's never really been one of my big excit you know holidays that I'm excited about. Except for when I was little and and uh in school. I Valentine's Day was the best when you were in school. I loved like getting all of my little Valentines and then picking out the best ones in the in the pack to give to my crush and thinking that he would then know that I was in love with him because I gave him like the Miko the raccoon from Pocahontas, as opposed to I don't know, was there one of Ratliff? Was that his name? He was very scary. I also want to say, since I put out the episode last week about powder, I've been getting a lot of people talking to me about powder. And that's exactly why I did this podcast. That's that's what I wanted. I wanted more people to talk about it with, and people are horrified by the movie. Some people have come out and said, Oh my gosh, yeah, this movie traumatized me as a kid too. So I feel like I've I've built a nice community. But I I hope you all enjoy this episode. If you are in a relationship, I don't know, you probably won't learn anything except for don't get in a hot tub or don't get next to a hot tub, okay? If you're if you're single, Laura does have some really good tips that she learned from her therapist. So I'm excited to try them out myself. I do I also want to mention that Laura has a show coming up. Her next show is February 22nd at the Den Theater here in Chicago. You can get tickets on her website at lauradallas.com. She's so good. I'm gonna close out the episode with one of her with a song that she performs. It's a cover of You Stupid Bitch from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, and it's just the best. So I hope you all enjoy this episode. Happy Valentine's Day. Bye bye.

SPEAKER_02 3:20

I'm ready to get back in the swing of things for um this year. Same.

SPEAKER_01 3:25

I have kind of taken a break from comedy. Yeah, and it's like no one would notice, but that's not true. I just but I don't know. I've just been like really struggling. I got one of those brick. Have you seen those ads?

SPEAKER_02 3:38

Yes, my sister wanted one for Christmas. Did she get one? No.

unknown 3:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 3:42

I don't know why she just didn't get one.

SPEAKER_01 3:44

Well, I got one and it's actually so helpful because Is it really? Yeah. I have a really bad habit of getting on my phone and then just like scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, and seeing all these comedians who are just like killing it. Oh, and it makes me feel like such an imposter. And then I don't feel like writing anything. Yes. Because I'm just like, oh, that was such a good joke. I could have never thought of that. And it's like, well, they have a different brain, and that's why they thought of that.

SPEAKER_02 4:06

If I may piggyback on that, please. I literally was just having a conversation with my boyfriend yesterday because I saw somebody get something and and book something or win an award or something. I seen all the time. I'm flooded with it. Yeah. Because social media is a facade and we're all dealing with things, but it just drives me. I my jealousy is so bad. And I really actively I notice it. I, you know, I'm not also not acting on it. It's all just an internal thing. I wouldn't make that clear. I'm not doing anything. But I just take it so personally. And I'm like, literally, it has nothing to do with me. Their career has nothing to do with me. We're on our own paths. And what they're really good at, or maybe something that they're not so great at, I'm okay at. And we're and they're like, I wish I could do that thing that Laura can do. And I'm looking at them being like, I wish so desperately I could be, you know what I mean? Yes, I totally get that. And I'm the same, same way with so many people. Do I know with you? I go, oh my God, she's just doing so great. You're so smart. You have such a smart writing style. And I go, oh. Like when Zany's posted your joke, I was like, oh my God.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

That was, I thought my heart was gonna fall out of my chest because I was also watching a documentary about a volcano exploding, and I'd had caffeine, which is like really rare for me. And then I got that message and I was like, I'm gonna explode.

SPEAKER_02 5:32

That was so cool. But I was jealous. I was like, oh wow, look at her. She got her like a freaking clip posted on zany's. But then I was like, no, that's so freaking great. We just want to be successful, and we're all so insecure. We forget about we're all insecure, we're all jealous of each other, but it's how you deal with that, and you you just have to process it. I don't think it's ever gonna fully go. You know what I always hear about? Women in their 40s, they're always like, I just stopped giving a fuck.

SPEAKER_01 5:59

I know.

SPEAKER_02 5:59

Don't you hear that all the time?

SPEAKER_01 6:00

Yeah, and I'm getting close. Like I'm 37, so any day now, I'll be confident. I'll be able to stand up straight.

SPEAKER_02 6:08

I'll be able to put my shoulders back. Yeah, maybe take a breath. Yeah. I can't wait to not care. We're all on our own journeys. I'm doing the best I can do. And I truly know that.

SPEAKER_01 6:20

I will I that's where I struggle because sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough and I'm not doing the best I can do. And I'm like, I'm just throwing spaghetti at the wall and trying to see what's but it's like I I'm like waiting for someone to come into my life to tell me, this is where you belong, this is what you're good at, this is where I think we could put you, and then I can just go, you know, balls to the wall in that direction. But so I just feel like I'm kind of doing a lot of things terribly.

SPEAKER_02 6:42

Or I don't well, I don't think that's true, but I I'm not in your head. But you know the feeling. But I, oh my god, I feel it. I felt it so hard yesterday, and then I was like, I don't get to see my boyfriend that much. And so I was like, you need to put these feelings away and enjoy it. Because I was feeling guilty. I was like, I shouldn't be having a good going out to eat with my boyfriend. I should be practicing my show. And I felt this guilt, and I was like, no, no, no, no, no. You need to live your life. Like, I but I feel that, like, I'm not doing enough. I gotta keep, I gotta, I be, I like I gotta go to the open mic every single night. I've gotta go, and I can't. I literally can't do it. I'm working every day. I can only do as much as I can do. So it's just a never-ending cycle.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

It is a never-ending cycle. It's actually, though, kind of a good introduction to you.

SPEAKER_02 7:26

Oh, because I met you at an open mic. I know, and that is my favorite open mic. I love that.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

That is one of the few open mics where I've actually met people who have become like my friends. And I remember the first time I saw you perform because I had never seen you before. And so I didn't know that you um like had a beautiful voice. And so when you were doing your set, you were like, you then you like started to sing a little bit, and I was like, oh my god, she has a stunning voice. And then when I and then I realized that you were like, would you call yourself a musical comedian? What is it? What is it called?

SPEAKER_02 7:52

I hesitate to do that because I'm not writing my own music. I have to make it very clear, I'm not writing these songs. Okay. I'm taking these songs, I'm often mashing them up vaguely of me. Um, mashing them up or relating them back to the stand-up I did, so maybe parody to a certain extent, but not always. But I have an amazing music director, Mickey, and he's like a genius. So we can incorporate new things in each. It's not just, you know, a Taylor Swift song. It's it's Laura's version of a Taylor Swift song. So it's, but I I I don't want people to be like, oh, she's taking that. I'm like, I'm not, I promise. I just am I love parody. It's a parody, and like there's this bitch song that I sing all the time. It's about being a stupid bitch. I sing it all the time. And usually I end every set with singing that. And I have to actively be like, I did not write this song, but I feel like I did in many ways. Because it relates back to what I've just told you. And it's just a fun way to, even if the set maybe didn't go that good, they're like, oh, she at least she can sing.

SPEAKER_01 8:52

You have such a beautiful voice. I'll say, I wrote it in my notes. Never met a the most glamorous comedian I've ever met. Oh my god, that is such a compliment. But I didn't say your name. This is Laura Dallas. Oh hi, I'm Laura. Chicago Reader. What wait, what was it? It was best comedian? Non-standup. Non-stand up. Okay. Well, whatever. Fucking amazing. It combines all. Yeah. I'm so happy for you. I'm so proud of you. Thank you. Amazing. Okay, so what I'm gonna do first is I'm gonna talk about something that I've made my whole personality, and then we'll move into yours. But so the thing that I'm gonna talk about is a huge part of my personality that a lot of my really good friends know about me is how much I hate hot tubs.

SPEAKER_02 9:27

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 9:28

I hate hot tubs. Um, I think they're dangerous.

SPEAKER_02 9:32

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

I think they're disgusting.

SPEAKER_02 9:34

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 9:35

I think that they're overrated. Okay. Okay. First of all, I don't want to offend you. Are you how do you feel about hot tubs?

SPEAKER_02 9:43

If I come from a long line of team owners, my family founded hot tubs.

unknown 9:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:48

I am indifferent. I will say I'm often cold. And I also love a bath. Okay. And that is kind of what a hot tub is. Yeah. So, in a way. With other people's skin cells. Skin cells. It is gross. And every time I go into a hot tub, someone's like, that's disgusting. Like everyone makes the comment of this is gross.

SPEAKER_01 10:09

But yet it feels kind of nice sometimes. It's a stew. The fact that people get out of the hot tub and don't shower afterwards, that to me is I'm sorry. Do you shower after you get out of the hot tub or no? Oh no. I don't. I probably go back into the pool. Because usually you're I'm bouncing back and forth. You're doing a water circuit. Yeah. But yeah, I think that they're disgusting. One of the big things that I would like to point out is whenever people like book an Airbnb, they're like, oh, it has a hot tub. And you trust, you're like, oh, they have a hot tub, they know what they're doing, it'll be clean. I want you to think about the people that you know that own hot tubs. Okay, I'm thinking about them. Do you trust them?

SPEAKER_02 10:47

No.

SPEAKER_01 10:47

Yeah. Okay. I do not. My dad got a hot tub. My dad changes his sheets like once a month.

SPEAKER_02 10:56

He's not sending in a weekly cleaning service.

SPEAKER_01 11:00

He's not doing a chlorine bomb.

SPEAKER_02 11:01

Yeah. Yeah, and it's also the maintenance. If you own one, like a pool, too? It's a ton of upkeep. And you keep that water in there for so long. Think about that. Think about that. I speak on it. I will. I I can't imagine. Does water expire?

SPEAKER_01 11:17

Well, I'll tell you, this is one of my horror stories. I have a couple horror stories with a hot tub. One of them is okay. Normally when we go on a trip with our friends, I will sometimes, super cool, contact the Airbnb owner and just say, hey, what's your treatment plan for your hot tub? I'm just curious. That's amazing. Oftentimes I think they lie. But so we get there, it's dark. Um, I was like, you know what? I am ready to be carefree.

SPEAKER_02 11:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:42

Up to my Zoloft, not feeling much. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:46

Lexapro for me.

SPEAKER_01 11:47

Okay. Yeah. Okay. So everybody's getting in the hot tub and they're like, it's dark, it's fun. It's like our first night there. So I'm like, fine, I'll have fun. This will be cool. We all get in the hot tub splish splash and having a good time. And I'm like, okay, this is crazy. The water feels a little viscous, if you know what I mean. Um there's a thickness to it.

SPEAKER_02 12:02

Thick, got it. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 12:03

Okay, yes, I do. My friend, who I'm not gonna say his name out of respect. Out of respect, he um dunks his head under the hot tub. Never seen anybody do that before. Okay. Next morning, uh, I wake up. I'm like, I think the first one up.

SPEAKER_02 12:17

Please don't get emotional right now. I need you to keep it together. See, there's tears welling up.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

It's like, it's honestly one of the most gut punches.

SPEAKER_02 12:27

I just, you're you're just tense. I know. All right, finish the story.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

So I wake up and I'm like, I think it'd be really nice to like open the hot tub and get like mimosas going for people. Love. That sounds great. Oh man. I go outside, I throw open the hot tub cover. It the water is like slime green.

SPEAKER_02 12:45

Well, first I heard I threw up on the hot tub. Oh no. Then I went, no.

SPEAKER_01 12:51

What?

SPEAKER_02 12:51

Okay, so that's an open hot tub cover. And it the and the water was green.

SPEAKER_01 12:55

And it's not, I know what you're thinking, it's not the inside of the hot tub that was a color green. Sure. The water was green.

SPEAKER_02 13:01

Okay, so maybe like the chlorine, doesn't there? Chlorine in a hot tub? Something's horribly wrong. Horribly wrong. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 13:07

So I at that point was like, I'm gonna go home. Um, I don't feel I feel like I need to check myself into a hospital. My friends come out and they're like, I think we can still get in it. We got in last night. What's the problem? And so they all get in, and I just stand there by the sliding glass doors, like the little boy in the secret garden, just like staring at them. Nothing happened to me, but it could have.

SPEAKER_02 13:29

So they went in it. What was the reaction? Like physically or emotionally, like, were they okay?

SPEAKER_01 13:36

They didn't care. They were like, Well, we've already been in, we might as well get in again. That's freaking insane. I know. So that's number one. Here's another hot tub.

SPEAKER_02 13:45

Throw it at me. I can't wait.

SPEAKER_01 13:46

I know a guy who had to go to the hospital after he was in a hot tub and got bit by a raccoon on the arm. He had to go get a rabies shot. So, okay? Okay. So that's another danger of hot tubs.

SPEAKER_02 14:06

I thought it was gonna bite him in the penis.

SPEAKER_01 14:08

I'm gonna be dinky out. Dinky alert. Dinky alert. That's why I'll never get it.

SPEAKER_02 14:13

Can you imagine getting so the raccoon just like attacked him?

SPEAKER_01 14:18

Yeah, it just attacked him. So because he was clearly outside. He was outside, he had his arm outside the hot tub because he was casual and it bit him on the elbow and he had to go to the hospital and before.

SPEAKER_02 14:27

Because often hot tubs are in like a forest. Like you see them.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

He's in Gatlinburg.

SPEAKER_02 14:31

Oh my god, I've been to Gatlinburg. I've never been because of that. Raccoons everywhere. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:35

Tular story. Would you prefer more an indoor hot tub than an outdoor one? None. I'll tell you here's an here's another problem. Okay. Because I know what you're thinking. Okay, so maybe even if I don't want to get in the hot tub, maybe while all my friends are having fun, splash splash, and I'll just sit on the side. Yeah. Maybe put your feet in.

SPEAKER_02 14:49

Oh. No.

SPEAKER_01 14:49

Okay. Here's why. First of all, well, I got chemical burns or a foot infection from a hot tub one time. Okay. My feet got so big I had to go to the hospital, and the only thing that could fit me were men's slippers.

unknown 14:59

Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 15:01

Also, when you're sitting on the side of the hot tub, you think you're safe? No, you're breathing in the vapors of Legionnaire's disease, potentially. What's Legionnaire's disease? I don't know. I think it's a river disease that lives in hot tubs. Okay. What are those old river diseases? It lives in hot tubs. Legionnaire's disease. You know, it's something called Pontiac Fever, which is not a car.

SPEAKER_02 15:24

I one time went to the water park of America.

SPEAKER_01 15:26

Oh my god, how many corns did you get on your feet?

SPEAKER_02 15:28

Well, I think there was Legionnaires disease in the water because I got a staph infection. It's all coming back to me. And there were hot tubs there. And that staph infection, I still have a mark from it. And it was when I was elementary school.

SPEAKER_01 15:41

I'm really scared of staph infections.

SPEAKER_02 15:43

It was bad. And so I could totally see you getting one in a hot tub. Yeah. Because it is that germy. And you know what? They're never that big. They're never big. And I think that's another thing. I that's when I don't like them the most. When there's somebody in there, I don't go in there. You don't want to touch their wet leg. I don't want to go. Also, it's like an old man or a baby. Who are you going into a hot tub with? It's awesome. I guess I'm only picturing like private hot tubs. I don't even want to fucking get into it. Okay. I was a kid. No, but I, you know, like at a, I don't know, when I go on vacation and you're at like a resort or something, a Marriott, usually. We love Marriott in the Dallas family. And uh, yeah, usually there's like an old man and like a uh a baby in there, a toddler.

SPEAKER_01 16:26

And a sign that says if you've had diarrhea, don't get it.

SPEAKER_02 16:28

Yeah. And then I tend the romance. What the whole family is like, we're collectively like, we're not gonna go in there if there's other people. If there is an empty hot tub, I do kind of like it. I like this seclusion of it. But I don't like it when other people come in. Because they're always too small. That's my biggest I that is my biggest qualm with them. Cut that, put that in. You wouldn't hit that.

SPEAKER_01 16:48

My dad had a two-seater hot tub. See? And also, you're never alone in a hot tub. There is skin from 10 years ago floating in there.

SPEAKER_02 16:55

But that's the beauty of it. In some ways, you're connected with, you know, this world's so divided right now. What if there was a way we could all be if you just absorb people's skin cells into your opening? To feel what they're closer when they're closer.

SPEAKER_01 17:08

It's the first time and the last time I've been touched intimately. Have you seen those hot tubs that they are trying to push people to do that float down the Chicago River?

SPEAKER_02 17:24

Um, e I didn't realize it was a big movement, but I think like I I felt pressured. You oh, okay. In what way?

SPEAKER_01 17:32

I saw a picture of one.

SPEAKER_02 17:34

And you felt targeted.

SPEAKER_01 17:35

Well, like they were asking me that I needed to do it.

SPEAKER_02 17:38

To do it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:39

Can you imagine? Also, there's like Is it but it's like connected to like a No.

SPEAKER_02 17:43

No.

SPEAKER_01 17:43

It's like a it's like a um big bowl of soup. Of soup floating down the river. People poop in them and people have sex in them. I don't know. People have sex in them? Yeah, and I don't know they poop, but I know that I'm sure they poop. I'm sure they poop. And I know that they have sex because people have taken pictures of people having sex in the floor. Floating downtubs in the Chicago River. I could not I could I can't imagine two more disgusting bodies of water meeting. That of a man's penis. Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that. Oh, sorry. What a disgusting liquid.

SPEAKER_02 18:16

Ew. But then also, yeah, to have to have if that's rolling around. And then you're like, oh, I still got another hour and a half on the old hot tub cruise. Yeah. You could have a baby in there. You could have. Isn't that kind of what a water birth is? It's not a hot tub. It is water, but it is warm water.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

Is it warm? I think it is. I guess it would have to be.

SPEAKER_02 18:36

Because it's easier to I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 18:38

You relax. Relax. Yeah. I've never had a water birth, but I know people that have had water births.

SPEAKER_02 18:42

I probably think.

SPEAKER_01 18:43

Are you gonna do a water birth?

SPEAKER_02 18:45

No.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

Oh, sorry, what were you gonna say?

SPEAKER_02 18:47

I was thinking that you're not gonna do it.

SPEAKER_01 18:53

I might have to cut this because I'm gonna be very vulnerable here and it's not gonna cast me in a good light. Okay. My first horror story with a hot tub is actually on me.

SPEAKER_02 19:01

Oh, okay. Well, that would make sense why you hate them so much. Because you also hate yourself.

SPEAKER_01 19:06

Because I know what I do. But I know the people that get in them. So I know. Okay. Go ahead. House sitting for my neighbor. Sure. I was like 12. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 19:15

Young.

SPEAKER_01 19:16

Never too young to start working. And he had a hot tub. And so I was playing around in the hot tub, I think, with my sister and my friend Megan. Okay. And then um I took a shit in his yard. And I was like, he has a dog. No problem. He's gonna.

SPEAKER_02 19:37

Why didn't we go into the house? I don't know about it.

SPEAKER_01 19:39

I had the keys.

SPEAKER_02 19:40

He just said, let's hang some brain.

unknown 19:44

Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:45

Yeah. So cut two, couple weeks later, Mr. Culpel comes over, and I hear him talking to my dad. Oh no. In the entryway, and my dad's like, or and I hear him say, you know, did I found human poop in my backyard? And my dad was like, oh, and he's like, were your girls like out in the yard? And um, so I know my dad was like, I don't know, that's weird. And my dad came and um confronted me, and I was like, I think it's weird that he knows what human poop looks like versus dog poop. But yeah, I did shit in his yard.

SPEAKER_02 20:22

But he's actually correct.

SPEAKER_01 20:23

Yeah, but he is right, I did. Um, I don't know. I think that maybe is somehow like paired.

SPEAKER_02 20:28

Connected to the hot tub. But it was not in the hot tub, it was just in the yard.

SPEAKER_01 20:33

It was in the yard.

SPEAKER_02 20:34

Well, these are the types of people that are getting into hot tubs. But I think it's powerful, and I think you posting that on the internet could help hundreds, if not tens, of people.

SPEAKER_01 20:44

People who were thinking about pooping in people's guards, they'll know there's a recipe dog. Look at what it does to you. I could never go on a date in a pot in a hot tub anymore.

SPEAKER_02 20:52

I don't think I could go first date in a hot tub.

SPEAKER_01 20:54

No, well, I was gonna say this is gonna be a really good segue to your topic. Okay, because so I went on a date with this guy.

unknown 21:01

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 21:02

When was this? Um, this was a couple months ago.

unknown 21:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 21:04

Really thoughtful guy.

unknown 21:05

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 21:06

Um, therapist. Oh. Okay. Okay. Really nice. Um, thought the date went great, if I may so say so myself. Yeah, nothing beats the high of a good date. Right. Don't hear from him for a long time. Okay. Um, you know, you know, I just like I followed up and I was like, hey, I'd love to, you know, hang out again if you felt a connection. Uh weeks go by. Finally, I get a text from him out of the blue from nowhere, and it just says, Hey, I'm thinking about hitting up the hot tub tonight. You want to come?

SPEAKER_02 21:38

Could a red flag be any bigger?

SPEAKER_01 21:41

I can't imagine. First of all, did you not hear anything I talked about on our date? I was like, I'm sure you talked about this for at least I'm sure I told him how I shit in my neighbor's yard and I was never the same. And I said, Did you mean to send this to me?

SPEAKER_02 21:54

Did he respond?

SPEAKER_01 21:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:56

He said, Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:57

Because I said, and then he was like, Yeah, and I said, Oh, which is Interesting, like I haven't heard from you in a while. This just seems like kind of a crazy thing to say. Nice, got him. Yeah, and he's a therapist out there, so be careful.

SPEAKER_02 22:08

I had kind of a bad therapist. I've had a kind of a couple.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

Oh, what's his name?

SPEAKER_02 22:11

Because well, one was a guy, okay, and he was fine, but he fell asleep mid-session. And I get it, Jerome Queen. Blah blah blah. There I go.

SPEAKER_01 22:22

He fell asleep. How did you address that?

SPEAKER_02 22:24

Like, I kept going, and then I was like, he's just closing his eyes. Just taking, and then I was like, hey, Justin. I'm come on. I'm uh just told you about my grandpa. And then the other one was, I was telling you before this. How many times did you see him after that?

SPEAKER_01 22:47

A couple more. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 22:48

Because I was like, ah, whatever, they do that. As a therapist, falling asleep. And then my other one, she was fun. Oh my god, she was fun. She had pink hair. And she, I had been um concerned about my lack of intimacy uh uh with the the male suitor. And I was concerned, I was like, I don't I feel like I'm behind. I haven't done much with any of them. And she goes, alright, here's here's what you're gonna do. I met my husband, we were in a bullying league. It's 1982, and you know, everyone's doing cocaine back then. So I started an A ball, and he was cute. This was uh tell uh uh BetterHelp too, so it's over the phone. And I'm listening, like, okay. I've told her I have like a huge phobia of drugs and stuff like that, so I'm like not really sure where this is real. So you just do a little cocaine, and then my husband and I did it for the first time in the back of his car.

SPEAKER_01 23:49

After doing cocaine, it'll be a good one.

SPEAKER_02 23:51

Yep. After the after we finished the game, we went back to the car. Subaru banged it out, and then she said we fell asleep. We wake up the next morning. It's so crazy, Laura. She starts laughing.

SPEAKER_03 24:05

I'm like, She goes, There's a little knock on the window. It's a cop. So he's like, put some clothes on, put some clothes. She's like, I grabbed a you know, I grabbed a little shawl. And the officer he goes, Hi officer. Literally. The guy goes, Hi officer, what's the problem? He's and then she said, but he knew him. They were friends, so we got away with it. We've been married for 45 years.

SPEAKER_02 24:31

And I was like, that's your advice to me. Not like put yourself out that you know while fentanyl is on the rise.

SPEAKER_01 24:39

You want me to go do cocaine. Cocaine. At a bowling rally, have sex in the back of a sugar.

SPEAKER_02 24:47

And then potentially find the love of my life.

SPEAKER_01 24:50

Well, how did you meet your boyfriend?

SPEAKER_02 24:52

If you don't mind me asking. Shockingly, and it guts me. It hurts. I don't like this. Hinge.

SPEAKER_01 24:59

That's where the hot tub therapist was on hinge.

SPEAKER_02 25:01

It's where you're gonna find uh uh the most more serious amen. Tinder is the hookup app. Well, let's go ahead and just first set up.

SPEAKER_01 25:09

Can I have another one of these? Oh my god, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:11

Okay, sorry, she's gonna give me another claw.

SPEAKER_01 25:18

You said that your whole personality was Tinder. I have a lot of questions.

SPEAKER_02 25:23

Throw them at me.

SPEAKER_01 25:24

Where do you want to start? Why is Tinder your whole personality?

SPEAKER_02 25:27

For many years, I was in uh a lonely hag.

SPEAKER_01 25:31

Um just floating in a hot by myself down the road. Literally.

SPEAKER_02 25:35

I have always struggled finding a good partner or even just a good date. It's not even, it's always just been like, I just would like I've always said, I just want someone to like me. That would be great. That's crazy that what a crazy thought. And I feared that some as I became more of a comedian and you know, a little bit more of a, you know, people can Google your name and you pop up. And you're groasting Tinder bios and you're doing this. I think some towards the end, before I met my boyfriend, were like, oh, you're just on this for content. And I'm like, I'm genuinely not. Why would I work every day? I have shows all the time. Why would I waste my Friday night or third, whatever, on somebody that I didn't want to generally try to spend time with? So I was fighting that a lot of the time too. And then I spent just so many hours, you know, I'd have a night off and I'd be swiping on Tinder, hinge, bumble, constantly because I felt like a little bit, I haven't found anyone, I haven't found and I I felt like this pressure. I shocking women feeling pressure to find a man.

SPEAKER_01 26:46

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 26:48

What? And yeah, I did feel it though, and I and then you know, you you internalize it and you go, well, maybe it's me, or maybe I'm too quirky or whatever. And I would lessen myself more and more. It be it became a bigger thing. It starts as Tinder. Yeah. Okay. You become you try to become the cool version of yourself or somebody that's not me. And it's so it starts as Tinder, but it branches out into about a million different things where it's how you see yourself, how are you talking? What are you saying? And then it got to the point where I was like, I what's so interesting is literally right before I met my boyfriend in July, I was like, it's just not gonna happen. I'd been going on so many dates, I'd been putting myself out there and doing this thing and swiping and swiping and swiping and conforming myself to what I think they wanted me to be, that I was over it. And I was like, I'm not doing this anymore. And I literally like told my mom, because I was looking at the girls I admire, you know, Tina, Faye, and Amy Polar, and Chelsea Handler, and a lot of them are divorced or they don't have they just have a boyfriend. And I was like, that could be me. And I may not, you know, I never have thought that closely about like having a kid or whatever, but you know, you think, oh, maybe outside of the water berth. Of course, well, that I think about all the time.

SPEAKER_01 28:16

Yeah. If there's one reason I want to have a kid, it's gonna have a hot up in the Chicago River.

SPEAKER_02 28:22

That's where we differ. But I just was like, so we're probably not gonna have a kid, and we're probably gonna just spend a lot of this time alone. And then, of course, the minute I was like, whatever, I'm over this, that's when somebody who I didn't have to conform myself to, he just got it. But anyway, going back to the original question, it's starts as Tinder, but it it does kind of become your personality, and it be it created so much of my content too.

SPEAKER_01 28:52

I was gonna say a lot of your stuff is like about dating and being single, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:56

So that's why I was like, this makes sense for her, like this is a really funny choice, and it's still like I st you know, I thought, oh, I'll feel different when I'm in a relationship or whatever, and I feel exactly the same. Me trying to figure out a relationship. I've never had a boyfriend before. Okay, so this is just all new, but it all started from a single swipe. Okay, clip it.

SPEAKER_01 29:26

Why Tinder versus Hinge, Bumble, all the others?

SPEAKER_02 29:30

Tinder has the uh most response rate. The greatest, uh, the greatest response rate. So because so many men are on there for the hookup of it all, so looking for something casual. And what I kind of liked about Tinder too is they'd message you first a lot of the time. So bumble, it's on you.

SPEAKER_01 29:47

Right.

SPEAKER_02 29:48

Hinge, it can be such a you can match and mine sit there and then they die. Yeah, and you could say, hey, you know, like, hey, love your love your cat. What's your cat's name? Yeah, you know, like something real, real clever clever like that, sexy and fun. And but like often they don't respond. Tinder because they think they're gonna get some they're gonna get laid. You know, some boom boom, you know. Oh I've been working on my sound effects. I it's okay. I hope that's good. We're gonna add them to the soundboard, but anyway, because they think it's lower stakes, I think they're they're more likely to reach out. And I liked the validation of that. I liked a little bit of the game of that to a certain extent. I know it makes me sound maybe like weird to say that. It is like but I liked them responding, even if I was like, I'm never gonna meet this guy. I like talking to somebody and them being like, You're so beautiful, or something like that. And they may not, they're just looking at a picture of me. They're not giving me actually the validation that I want, which is like I like you for you as your personality, but it was something, and I've been on so many bad dates that I would take I liked the compliments. Yeah, I it's in so weird, but I do.

SPEAKER_01 31:02

No, I know I do too. But I like it can be very tricky for me. I don't know. I I get kind of creeped out. Like, I honestly it's easy to get creeped. I'm like a creeped, I get creeped out. I'm like like um, like if you ever watch a horse race when they try to put the horse in the little stable bucket thing before they do the big release and they all want to- Sure. That is how I feel totally. It's like, don't look over here, don't look over there. No sh like, like it truly like it has to be so I get spooked so easily by so much stuff. I get that. Which sucks, because then it's like, well, if they they could say one thing and I'm like, uh, I didn't like that. But it's like, and I I have a new joke about that. Like, we need to be very careful about icks, right? But I just I get overwhelmed on the act. I get it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:47

It's the minute it got weird, I would usually, but then sometimes I would just be like, let's just lean into it. They don't, they're never gonna, I'm never gonna see this person.

SPEAKER_01 31:56

I just sent me a few find me. And some of them have. Like somebody one time sent me an email. Like, I was he just like Googled my name and sent me an email that was really long. And I was like, We didn't you're defeating the purpose of the app. It's to like mutually match, and then like that's you're you're misunderstanding the rules.

SPEAKER_02 32:12

Well, infamously, uh oh, I had a I was talking to like a guy on uh like a Sunday night. And we were having actually just he seemed nice, you know, normal conversation. I said, I do comedy, which I never should do, but I was whenever a Sunday night. No, it's the I can't say it, but I was like, whatever. He seems he's it was giving normal. And he he was. I'm not saying he's crazy, but he did Google me, and then I had my big uh one of my big shows on the coming Friday, and he bought a ticket, and it that was the viral video where people and some people were like that was set up, and I was like, No, I don't so he actually He showed up and never met him before, and uh I knew I had to preference it because I knew it was just such a great story. I mean, that is you can't I could as a comedian I could not help but bring that up. It's just but I was terrified to do it because I was like, oh my god, he could run out of your, you know, screaming or whatever. How did he react? He actually took it really well, he was super nice after the show. He said, I'd love to see you next week. And he really, I will say, I said, I'm sorry if that made you uncomfortable. I just like I literally, it's just too good of a bit. And he's like, No, I expected it. Like he was really cool, and I I do not deny that. And then we just went on a date and there was just not a lot of connection there. You know, he wore sandals to the date, and what was the month? June. But like open toes, like I could see his toes.

SPEAKER_01 33:39

Yeah, I've I talked about this with my friend Justin.

SPEAKER_02 33:41

Yeah, I don't want to like a cheap flop flop. And if he's watching this, I'm sorry, baby. No, thong sandals, okay and he ordered a strawberry marg.

SPEAKER_01 33:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 33:51

Thank God you laughed at that. Okay. Cause here and then He sounds like Jimmy Buffett. Did you was it Jimmy Buffett? Before he passed. Yeah. I was the last person he ever met. Okay. Margaritaville, it's everything it's cracked up to be. But yeah, and then he said he he understood why people voted for Donald Trump, and then I was like, alright, this isn't gonna work. No. And then I didn't even get a kiss. They never want to kiss you, too. Tinder, they never want to kiss you.

SPEAKER_01 34:20

What really? But so it's it is it then sex with no kissing?

SPEAKER_02 34:26

I never had sex.

SPEAKER_01 34:27

Oh, but I thought Tinder was the hookup app.

SPEAKER_02 34:28

It is the hookup app. But I liked the thrill of it.

SPEAKER_01 34:31

Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 34:32

If I may, I'll tell if can I tell another story? Uh please, this is why we're here. Well, there was a guy. We'd been chatting on Tinder. I walked into this situation being like, I'm never gonna meet him. Because it instantly was like, come over. And I was like, no. And then we actually got into a banter, and I was like, okay, maybe I'll come over. Maybe I will. So I was like, I'm not gonna actually meet this guy, blah, blah, blah. Then finally, he was like, I really would like to get drinks with you. And we had talked enough, and I was like, I'd just been rejected by another guy, and I was like, what the fuck? Live your dream. Go on the he's clearly attracted to you. We're going at four o'clock on a Sunday. Like, we're not in the middle of the night. Like, it's yeah, you know what I mean? Tinder be a more innocent day time. Yeah. So we I get there, and instantly he goes, Um, oh, thank you for, you know, it's so nice. He goes, you know, I'm balding. And I went, okay. He goes, I'm I'm balding. I said, Oh, okay, well, well, let me see.

SPEAKER_01 35:33

I'll take a look at it.

SPEAKER_02 35:35

I'll take a look at it.

SPEAKER_01 35:35

I'll be the one to judge.

SPEAKER_02 35:37

Oh, you are right at the top of your head there. He goes, Yeah, I'm thinking of going to Turkey. Getting something done. Do you like wine? I said, Well, it is the wine bar. But then I get a couple drinks, and I'm like, he's fine. You know, you squint, he's attractive, and close one eye, then the other. Brad Pitts in front of you. So I was he had a you know, he he was keeping me going. 45 minutes in. He goes, he's a little tipsy. He goes, you know, about 15 minutes into this date, I knew that I wanted to fuck you. Oh sorry, is this an ad- Can I swear here?

SPEAKER_01 36:12

Oh, please. Okay. Oh, yeah. I've said horrible things about my family. Okay, about my friends.

SPEAKER_02 36:18

So he goes, I want to fuck you. I've never had a guy say that before. So forwardly, and in person specifically, I was like, okay. And then he's like, I really was wondering what it would be like to put my head between your legs. I don't know. I hate when people say that. And I'm like, you can only imagine. I'm like Like a Pilates ball? You wanna what the hell are you talking about? Like, I don't know what the fuck's going on. And I'm like, okay, um cut forward, eight hours goes by. He's still down there. Oh, wait.

SPEAKER_03 36:54

He's wait.

SPEAKER_02 36:58

No, I didn't allow him between my legs to wait on No, but sorry, I didn't I didn't exp specify. So no, I did not let him down there. Okay. But we were at the wine bar and we basically closed down the place because I just was like, this is crazy.

SPEAKER_01 37:09

At the wine bar in front of people.

SPEAKER_02 37:12

And he kept going woo. Kept going like that.

SPEAKER_01 37:16

Woo!

SPEAKER_02 37:18

And people would look and I'd be like, I'm more defended. But I was I was too, but it was like, this is crazy. Like, I'm living my life right now. I'm out on this weird date with this weird guy, and he I really liked that he found me so attractive. Like he couldn't contain himself right now.

SPEAKER_01 37:35

The one thing I liked about him is that he wanted to fuck me.

SPEAKER_02 37:39

And he told me multiple times.

SPEAKER_01 37:41

Right.

SPEAKER_02 37:42

And then we went to we walked around Wrigleville, the most romantic place.

SPEAKER_01 37:47

You didn't need to tell me Wrigleyville as soon as you were like, he was saying, Woo!

unknown 37:51

Woo!

SPEAKER_01 37:52

I got it.

SPEAKER_02 37:53

And then he goes, you know, I'm just been thinking about when I want to kiss ya. And then he I kissed him on a street corner at like 1 a.m. in Wrigley.

SPEAKER_01 38:02

Because I was at 1 a.m. Yes, I was like, we were there for oh yeah, you said eight hours. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:08

I kissed him. Our tongues touched.

unknown 38:11

I can't imagine it was good.

SPEAKER_02 38:13

I and then immediately we come out of it. I was like, okay, fuck yeah, Laura, go for it. It's basically like doing cocaine. Yeah. This is exactly what she was talking about. This is exactly what she was talking about. He goes, I just want you to know I did heroin once. And now you're kissed. Yeah, right after. Because I was feeling kind of proud of myself and I was like, Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:38

I did it. Okay. Well, I don't know what you're supposed to do with that information. He just said, you know, it was out.

SPEAKER_02 38:44

It was at a party, and you know, everyone's doing it.

SPEAKER_01 38:47

And it's not something that's like out like in a bowl of candy. It's just legal. He says out on the table. Out on the table.

SPEAKER_02 38:52

Everyone's It's like, why are you telling me this? And so now my boyfriend and I have dubbed him heroin guy. And I live in constant fear that I'm gonna run into him at any point.

SPEAKER_01 39:08

What was your boyfriend's? How did you all wait you meant on Hinge. Okay. I know. Well, but this is like Segway. What was his opening line? Or what was your opening line?

SPEAKER_02 39:17

So I had a whole thing about Subway sandwiches on my profile. Of course. Because I love Subway. And he I've had the the opener was what's your subway order? Something like that. Hey Laura, what's your subway order? And I always would infamously go, that's way too personal of a question. I don't even know you. You can't just ask me that. Something like that. Right. And then he said, Okay, let's do a uh kind of a scenario. He's like, let's imagine you've just walked into a subway and I'm the the sandwich person. What which hub. But the way he phrased it was like, okay, this is kind of silly. And it just felt super natural. And I genuinely was like giggling. I was like, this is so silly. He was super funny, but some often they're very funny on um text, but they're not so funny. Dead behind the eyes. Yeah, and they just lose it. They've lost any sort of charisma or anything. So I was about to go out of town, and I was like, I want to meet him before I go out of town because otherwise I'm gonna be talking to him, you know. And then you're texting, and then you're like, this is a waste of time. You meet him and then you're like, oh fuck. So I was like, I want to get this out of the way, basically. Sure. And I kind of just sworn done this big thing of like, I'm gonna probably gonna die alone. Hospice bed for one. So I was like, done. And then I was like, oh, but I'll go do it one more time. And I went and he works at the ER. Oh. So he had been up for like 24 hours because he works night shifts.

SPEAKER_01 40:47

I'm so sorry. This is amazing. I I love to know somebody in the medical field.

SPEAKER_02 40:53

Oh my god. Yeah. And I love that he was still funny, but he wasn't associated with performing at all.

SPEAKER_01 41:00

I have a question though. Can you maybe just ask him if he has any hot tub-related injuries that come in?

SPEAKER_02 41:04

Oh, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 41:05

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 41:05

So anyway, I would I found myself genuinely laughing and not being like, you know, that's nice. But he still thinks I'm funnier.

SPEAKER_01 41:13

Does that make sense? I was gonna ask if you tell people on dates that you're in comedy. I never do because it's and I ended up taking it.

SPEAKER_02 41:20

So what do they but they're surely gonna ask you, what do you do? I know. You just tell them about your business. I say I'm a freelance writer.

SPEAKER_01 41:25

Because then they're I had a guy one time on a date, he was like, I've been thinking about getting into comedy. I'm the my friends say I'm the funniest guy. They say that all the time. Yeah, like I think I should, I think I could do it. And it's like, first of all, you are basically like shitting on the craft that I'm working on, like how hard it is. You're saying, like, well I could get up there and I could get up there and tell me.

SPEAKER_02 41:42

They all think they can do it.

SPEAKER_01 41:43

I know. So I don't like that, and I don't like, oh, you know, tell me one of your jokes, because it's like I'm not writing knock knock jokes. And literally, yeah. And then they say, like, oh, are you gonna use this in your material?

SPEAKER_02 41:55

And it's like, ah, well, good, you've gotten that too. Yeah, well, I've gotten all of those.

SPEAKER_01 41:59

But then I'm afraid they're gonna like follow and then see if I do say something about them in my material. And to that, I go, part of the game.

SPEAKER_02 42:07

If I do feel bad sometimes, I'm I'm never saying well, I just said that guy's name, but I mean, he was so insane. Right. But he knew he had it coming. But for the most part, probably no longer with us. Sorry. So if you made me feel really uncomfortable and um you said that thing about me, like you want to put my head, your head between your legs. Sure. My head, your head between my legs. Yeah. That you that was super inappropriate to say and not acceptable at all. And so, yeah, I'm gonna make a joke about that. And even if I was giving a vibe, like, oh, I'd love to hook up, still inappropriate. Like, keep your pants on and let's we're at it in a public place.

SPEAKER_01 42:47

We're at the Mariano's wine bar, okay?

SPEAKER_02 42:49

We're at the Whole Foods bar and grill. Shut up. You know, it's just inappropriate. And to that I go, that's my experience. I'm not gonna say your name.

SPEAKER_01 42:59

Moving forward, I'm not gonna say your say name from now on.

SPEAKER_02 43:03

Although I just did. From this moment on, I will not say your name anymore. But anyway, I it's my experience. It's your experience, and we're allowed to make content out of it, specifically if it's made us really uncomfortable, because that's a way for us to work through that.

SPEAKER_01 43:18

This guy, one of my friends, um, got a DM from a guy that said he wanted to rip apart from her butthole like a bong hit.

SPEAKER_02 43:28

So I never I really try not to ghost or do any of that shit because I know how that sucks to be ghosted. Same. And I feel like it's unless they're like super weird, like and they don't even, you know, there are certain stipulations for that rule, but for the most part, if I'm not feeling it, I go, you know, I just say I have a copy and paste of a template. I found it online.

SPEAKER_01 44:00

And I was like, perfect.

SPEAKER_02 44:01

Yeah. And I, you know, I don't want to ever be mean. I don't want anybody to feel like the way that these guys have treated me in the past. I don't want to be that. Um, but you know pretty quickly if there's a vibe or there's not a vibe. And I've had a lot of no vibes. So yeah, I just try to be like, this is fun. You're in your 20s. You're, you know, like just enjoy your life. And that's what I think I was dealing with that heroin guy, where I was like, make out with the guy on the street corner, you don't have to see him again. And I did say him again before. But anyway, that's not what I'm talking about. But it's like my boyfriend he makes it everything easier.

SPEAKER_05 44:35

That's really cool.

SPEAKER_02 44:35

He wants to, he wants to go to all my shows, he wants to meet all my friends, he wants me to go and do this podcast with you tonight. And there's no why aren't you spending the night with me?

SPEAKER_01 44:46

I'm here. I went on a date with a guy, like I went on several dates with him a couple years ago, and I was like, it it was he was the best because he was like, Do you want to go play volleyball with me and my friends? And I was like, No. But then I was like, Fuck, he's gonna be mad at me. And so I always think he's gonna be mad at me. Like, no, I'm sorry, like I really don't. Um, is that okay? And he was like, Yeah. And I was like, I've never had a relationship before where it's been like, you know, it's fine.

SPEAKER_02 45:13

You can say no. I can he'll catch me all the time being like, I don't know, but like if you really want to do it, like it's he's like, if you don't want to do it, don't do it. We don't have to do it. There's other things we can do. Well, I'm so I love that for you. Okay, I really love it for me too. And regardless of what happens, um there I go again. Literally, like if he perishes tomorrow.

SPEAKER_01 45:33

Well, I was gonna say, when I put out this episode, there'll be like an ad.

SPEAKER_02 45:35

And just so you guys know, like, she did break up with him instantly after this. But regardless of all that, I did tell him the other day I was like, I never thought I could truly be myself with a guy, and that's actually really sad. I didn't think it was gonna be possible, but it is possible. And to the girlies out there, it is possible. Trust me, you just gotta keep swiping, keep swiping, and then take a break, and then go back and swipe, and you go on some bad dates, and I love you, stupid bitch.

SPEAKER_01 46:51

Thanks for listening to my whole personality. This podcast is edited and produced by me, Joanna Clark. Theme music by Rebecca Jaffe. If you like this podcast, please like, subscribe, rate it, review it, wherever you listen to podcasts. Thanks for listening. Bye bye.